The grass is greener in paradise
The Young One is full of data, info, history and lore. For example, did you know that if you wear socks to bed, you’d live longer? I didn’t either, but he did.
Not only is he brimming with intelligence, he’s an excellent broadcaster. He’s got the scoop, the skinny and the score and audiences can depend on him to spread the news. He’s like the hum of the fridge that way; constantly audible. Actually, he’s a little louder than that. He’s like the AC in August. Just when you notice it turned off, it starts up again.
But, at the same time, he demonstrates a quality that many women say they want from their men. More emotion. Feelings. Talk to me.
Rest assured, The Young One will talk and he’ll definitely tell you how he feels. He has no hang up with verbal intimacy. In this respect, he may be the most eligible eleven-year-old bachelor.
But sadly, what he’s feeling lately is blue. He misses his Mom. He misses the gusty Bay Area wind and he misses donuts.
Why can’t things be the way they used to be?
I empathize with his wistful heartache. Mom lives in California and we moved to Texas and what he’s most nostalgic for, I’m unable to provide.
The Colorado River, which runs through the middle of Austin, is indigo, gentle and arresting, but it doesn’t compare to the magnificence of the Pacific Ocean. And as much as I love the image of serving up platters of maple bars and fritters to the gleeful squeals of my two stepsons, I’ve taken a hard (and very unpopular) stand. “I will not contribute to America’s growing obesity problem, I say to the Man-children. The spiraling decline of proper nutrition probably all started with ONE donut and the WRONG kid. I’m sure CNN has done a story on this.”
And without question, I’m not Mom.
There’s just no replacement for the Original. Moms are gold, I say, like the Willie Wonka chocolate bar, and every kid wants one. I’m the stepmom. I’m more like a Snickers. Really satisfying. Good filler. But, I’m not going to make you ruler of the Umpa-Lumpa kingdom. I have to be honest about this.
When I’m not reacting like a mature grown-up to The Young One’s petition to abandon me for his blood mother, I take slight offense. I thought we had an understanding? I buy you gallons of milk, help you find your shoes every morning and listen to you recite facts. In exchange, you like me (a lot) and say things like, “Thank you for letting me get your furniture dirty. Living here is awesome.”
But, the grass is always greener in paradise. And right now, paradise is where Mom is.
He asks very pointedly, “Why can’t things be the way they used to be?”
This takes me back. I was his age when my parents divorced.
Oh boy. How many hours you got, kid?
I can tell him that things can’t be the way they used to be because they aren’t the way they used to be. Life is unpredictable. Families often split apart. Relationships change. Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. Your little world is sometimes hit with bigger forces. I resist.
Instead, I rub his little shoulders as he stares out the window into the bright Austin light.
What I want to say is, “Your original idea of paradise may seem lost, but if you can stand still long enough to study the Saint Augustine in Austin and the Mello Jade in the Bay Area, you might find that the grass is green in both places. Give it some time to grow.
Tags:blended family, divorce, Embracing Texas, obesity problem, The man children, The sweet stuff, willie wonka
It’s hard for kids to grasp the grass is always greener scenario and its pitfalls. We all fall for it. I know I do. That makes it tough to explain it to my (step)kids when I feel that way too sometimes. This all sounds normal– what the Young One is going through. It sounds like he is getting the support from you. This is great advice for today’s families… better than just giving him more donuts and saying “yeah, life’s tough… here, be happy.”
I know you hear this a lot… I love your blog.
Sandra
It’s hard to NOT take offense. That “thing” we have inside of us that causes us to care about and try to protect the young, is the same “thing” that desires the bond with them–the one we will never have because we are, plain and simply, not the Mama. That’s not to say that we don’t bond, just that our bond will always be different from the Mama bond. I, too, want them to be grateful sometimes, to see what I do and like me (a lot) for that… they just don’t work that way. I think often that they should be able to expect that everything will be candy and roses, but life is messier than all that. You’re doing the right thing by supporting, by suggesting that things in both places can be good, by understanding their feelings. All too often, the poor kiddos get stuck in the middle of the “Who’s the Better?” contest. I’m glad you’re not falling into that trap. Smart girl, you are, Izzy Rose.
And I posted some pics of the crazy, curly hair… just for you. :)
:: sniff sniff :: Another lovely post, Izzy.
You seem to be handling the young ones feelings with great care! There is just so much going on in childrens minds. My seventeen years old told me this winter she wished she was five again and just had to worry about putting on her snowsuit and playing outside all day, coming in for supper and gong to bed at seven. It was so uncomplicated, she said!
Then again, there is so much to be excited about as new challenges are waiting around the corner!
Thanks for the comments.
Steph- I resist the “who’s the better contest.” There have been many times I have wanted to go there, believe me.
Lady latte- I agree that life used to be more uncomplicated…or at least that’s what we thought. I know my parents put on a good show and am grateful to have had many angel-making days in the snow. But, I agree that growing up can be really exciting once you are able to let go of some of the control (not always a fun one to grasp as a kid).
IR
He is lucky that he has you. Both of my parents are dead, my husbands dad is dead. I think children need to be told that there is always someone that loves them, whether its their step parent or our mates. Now that our family circles are smaller our friends become their family. I hope our kids know that our friends love them and will be always there for them. You can’t pick your family, but u choose your friends and people that u know will care for your children if you’re not around. I’d say your stepchild loves u, but it wont be till later that he realises what you have done for him, and he’ll give you heaps of love back.
Good luck.
There’s not much left to say that hasn’t already been said by someone else so, I’ll just say good post!
Lindy,
I am sorry to hear about your folks, but glad that you have built strong bonds with your friends. I agree that our circle of friends can act like family for us and our kids…and I think its great when kids are exposed to all different types of adults. We are working to create a network of friends in Austin - which has become very important as our immediate families are scattered all over the country. Thanks for your comments.
IR
I have that conversation with my stepdaughter all the time. Wishing that it could all be different, easier. That everyone could live closer and she could see us all, all the time. I think it may be a little easier in that she really doesn’t have anything to compare her current situation too. It has always been this way.
You seem to be handling it well. Keep it up!
We face the same challenge with Phoenix - our immediate families are all over as well.
[...] (his words). He hadn’t seen his Mom for months and he was missing her with intensity (see The grass is greener in Paradise). His dismal mood was made evident by slumped shoulders, apathetic table manners and a dramatic [...]
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First, I’m from the Austin area. I now live in Arkansas.
Second, I’m a stepmother to two teenagers, non-custodial. They live 30 minutes away.
Third, how have I not stumbled across this blog?!
I’m so glad I found you.
Great post (s) (still reading)