What’s in a name?
It was a socially awkward moment. We were standing in Napa’s Copia Gardens sipping Pinot and talking amongst ourselves. The Husband and I, and my towering fifteen-year-old stepson were enjoying a fig and Gorgonzola pizzetta moment. The Young One was off with other “spirited” children playing eXtreme ring around the rosy (a popular sport in short social circles).
And then, there they were. They came out from behind the olive trees. Strangers. Unfamiliar faces with outstretched hands. They wanted to meet us. We were at a party after all, and introductions are often part of the fun.
I’m still getting a handle on this. Introducing the stepfamily. It’s not automatic yet. I freeze and smile a bit too wide while I’m trying to figure out how to react properly. What is the step-lady-like thing to do?
In this particular social setting, the following went through my head:
A.
If I introduce The Tall One as my son, which feels like the right thing to do, he might barf up his Italian soda and scream, “You’re not my mother!” which would be really dramatic (and hilarious, I have to admit), but socially awkward.
B.
Or I could introduce him as my stepson, but he might be extra hormonal and get mopish (“I knew it. She hates me”), and that would be inaccurate, and just sad.
So, I did neither. I introduced The Tall One by his first name. Let the strangers figure it out.
Putting the “step ” in front of the name is a tough call.
What do we do about this whole labeling business anyway? Conventional family titles don’t fit as neatly on a blended family tree. And, how important is all this to the man-children? Honestly, that’s the important thing here. Their feelings… and what’s going to make me the most popular.
I wasn’t sure, so I asked.
“How do you guys want me to introduce you?”
They provided me no help. “Introduce us where?” they said.
“Well, like last night. Do you want me to introduce you as my stepsons? “
The Young One says, “Well, you’re basically my mom because you married Daddy.”
I’m stunned. I’m more popular than I imagined.
“So, you’d like me to introduce you as… my son?”
“Well, basically,” he says.
“Okay. Well, how bout I introduce you as basically my son. Would that work?”
He said it would.
Putting the “step ” in front of the name is a tough call. It’s certainly accurate, but I worry that it slices a family into individual pieces and parts, instead of keeping it whole.
For me, using “step” is so defining. And yet, it doesn’t tell the whole story.
I grew up in a stepfamily and here’s how we did it.
I called my bio-mom, “mom.” My stepsisters called my mom by her first name. I called their dad by his last name. I called the stepsisters, “my sisters.” The cats kept their original names.
Is this confusing? Absolutely. But, it worked for us and twenty years later, we just refer to each other as a family. Not basically, but truly.
Tags:Married life, Rules and roles, stepfamily, stepmom, step kids, teen ager, The man children, The Tall One
It is always confusing, the introductions. For us, it was always hard, the older two are very obviously not mine, but they always got upset if I called them my step-children. So I just started calling them mine, they would do the fine tuning if they felt it needed to be broke down more. My oldest found the problem with that when I introduced them as mine, he broke it down more (per his request) that I was his step-mom, and the people we were introducing ourselves got offended. He had the simplest answer that put them off guard. I am his step-mother, but I am also his mom, he has a real mother, then he has me, his mom. The day I heard him explain it in child logic, made me go home and cry, I was accepted by the one everyone said would not accept me.
That’s sweet and he’s right- you are his mom.
I think we underestimate the capacity kids have to love…and make sense of it in their own way.
Thanks for sharing.
IR
I do the first-name intro thing, too. And the rest of the time, I let them introduce me how they want to. My stepchildren call me by my first name most of the time, but sometimes Mom just really fits in the situation (like when you’re calling your friend to invite her to spend the night and you want her “Mom” to talk to your “Mom”). It’s absolutely fine with me for them to do that, or to call me their Stepmom when that seems to fit better. For me it’s all about what makes them comfortable. We’re comfortable with each other and our actual, title-free, positions in this family, whether we’re called “Mom,” “Stepmom,” or “Hey you!” And they… well, they know their first names really well, so that just works! :)
What a wonderful moment. I am sure they love you. How could they not?
I must say I appreciate your sensitivity to this topic. A very dear friend of mine recently re-married, and his bride is now pregnant. My friend has two (beautiful, wonderful, generally great) children from his first marriage. The stepmom was recently overheard telling someone, with regard to the pregnancy, “Well, HE has two already. But this is MY first.” It just seems like such an insensitive thing to refer to your new family so blatantly as, basically, someone else’s kids. Like well, they don’t really count, but MY baby will. Whatev.
Well written, enjoyed it as always.
Thanks Cindy. You’re good for my ego. You want to move in down the hall next to the boys?
I was just talking to a friend yesterday who has two step-daughters and just had a son… and is already feeling like she needs to be very careful with how she treats everyone in the mix. I’ve heard that when some stepmoms have their own kids, they sometimes forget the steps. I feel for those kids…tell your friend’s wife to visit my site. Maybe I’ll write about it.
IR
Hi Izzy Rose! Thanks so much for your comment earlier. Though he isn’t officially my stepson until another three months, I introduce him simply by his name and will probably continue to do so…just seems easiest to me and I always worry of making him or hubby-to-be uncomfortable with things like that. This past winter, DH and I went to future stepchilds Christmas party at school (the one that his mom forgot about). There were no introductions at first…until…future stepchild (that looovvvess to talk) sort of awkwardly introduced me to his friend’s mom-”This is my dad. And this is Lacey. She’s not my mom but she’s my dad’s girlfriend”. DH and I could tell right away the other mom felt awkward after he said this, so we just laughed it off. Oh the things 6 year olds say! =) I’m adding you to the blogroll!
It’s funny…I have spent so much time worrying about what my soon-to-be step kids think of me, or rather, what they think of me AS. They usually refer to me as “my dad’s girlfriend”, and I usually refer to them as “my boyfriend’s kids”. It works for now, because we arent yet married, but once we are…I ask myself, what will they think of me as?
It then dawned on me that I’ve been through this before. Something about this situation seemed familiar. The only difference was, the last time I went through this, I was the kid. When my dad remarried, I remember thinking, “I want to refer to her as mom, but she might not like that”. Eventually, I began calling her step-mommy (as a joke)…but it stuck, and to this day, that is what I call her.
I think you’re absolutely right - “we underestimate the capacity kids have to love”. They want love, and security just as much as the next person - and I think it’s so awesome that you went straight to the source and asked them how you should introduce them. If my step mom had done that I would have seen it as a sign of respect and love.
I definitely get the awkward moment right before an introduction…like at the hairdresser this morning when my stepdaughter was getting her haircut. I avoided all references to our relationship, then the hairdresser asked when she started school. So I had to explain the whole she goes to school in another state thing…blah blah blah.
Then there is the look you get as soon as “step” enters the wordage. Like you don’t count for anything. But if you don’t say it, it’s like you are breaking some kind of code. My stepdaughter gives me funny looks if I DO say step. I should probably ask her about it…hmm never considered that!
Julie,
it is true. I do feel a bit of judgement in the “mom” circles when I say step. Like I’m not authentic, just standing in until recess is over. I want to say, “Hey, I play a real role here. Not sure what it is, but it’s something!”
I think its cool when the kids come up with the name that they like best…unless its something awful like “ugly daddy’s girlfriend that stanks.” I like what Alice said about her term “step-mommy”- kind of the best of both worlds.
Love all your insights ladies. You are some smart, sassy s-moms.
IR
I’ma have to get The Boyfriend to propose so I too can be a s-mom. Great bunch of girls here.
Give me his number. I’ll give him a call :)
IR
Great post Izzy.
I had quite the bit of controversy over on my blog awhile back when I wrote about how my stepsons call me “Mom” and how this upset BM. Stepsons didn’t always call me “Mom,” but when I became pregnant with their brother, we had a talk with them about how when they spoke to their brother, they couldn’t say (My Name) when referring him to me because I am his mom. Earlier on, the boys had wanted to start calling me “Mom”, but when met with they usual guilt trip from BM about hurting her feelings, they decided against it. A few years older, and with a potential name-complicated situation on the way, they decided to start calling me “Mom.” It has been a slightly bumpy road, because BM really went off the deep-end about it—something they are kind of confused by (they don’t get what the big deal is—I call my Mother-in-law “Mom” and my best friends mother “Mom”).
As for what to call them, that’s a tough call. In general, I refer to Stepsons as my sons unless the situation warrants further explanation. When they were really little (3 and 4) and we would all be out together, if someone referred to me as their mom—they would, with the indignant attitude of toddlers say, “That’s not my mom.” It was always a little embarrassing, but I got over it. As time wore on, I think the tables turned and it got more embarrassing for them to admit that their family was somehow not “whole” or “real.” So, for the casual observer, they prefer not to make distinctions.
Thanks for the thoughtful post!
Mrs H,
It’s unfortunate that BM (an abbreviation I find quite amusing, by the way) influenced the wishes of the kids- sounds like they wanted to call you mom. If that’s what makes sense to them, that’s what they should be encouraged to do. I know it’s not always “politically” that easy…
I imagine with the half-brother, that “mom” and “my sons” are easier titles to spit out. Arggghh. The roles and rules are never clearly defined, right?
Thanks for your comments.
IR
Ladies,
Found an interesting article in the Dallas Morning News this morning…
“Whether a family consists of adopted children or multicultural children or no children at all, it’s still someone’s family. Not everyone has the same definition of family; the differences are what make families unique. Once our society realizes that families are about love and support – not family structure – accepting others’ differences will be a piece of cake.”
Thought it spoke to the discussion we’ve been having. If you want to read the entire article go to http://www.dallasnews.com and search: Ty Jones of Mesquite: What makes a family?
I feel you should drop the word step. It not only increases the bond between you too, just imagine the happiness it would be bringing to your husband.
I am not from a stepfamily and can honestly say I hadn’t given this ‘labeling’ quandary much thought until reading this post. I can see how the situation could get hairy if the “wrong” label is chosen and feelings are involved. I have been caught off-guard when introducing a “more-than-a-friend-not-yet-established-boyfriend” and ended up just calling him by name only. It’s funny just how much emotional is involved in these labels. When you think about it, they aren’t necessary: we all have names afterall. But it feels good to share the ‘why’ and ‘how’ about a relationship with those around you, right? Labels serve as a social definition. When I say, “Meet my boyfriend” I am really saying, “I care for this person, you should too and get to know them,” or “I know he’s a looker, now back off! He’s mine!” I can understand your desire to referred to as “Mom” by the boys as it socialy defines reciprocal love.
So, I see the last post to this topic was over a year ago but I can’t help chiming in as I just read it for the first time. (Perhaps it will revive the discussion and others will share their recent experiences with this?) I find lately that whenever I need to feel a little support on the stepmom issues, I can randomly pick a topic from the Forum, read some other stepmom voices, and feel peped up.
It’s amazing how just a simple name, a simple word, can be so emotionally charged, but I definitely have experienced all of what is written above. I have 2 SDs - now ages 5 and 7. When I was dating their dad and then met them, it seemed obvious that they call me by my name because initially I was a stranger to them and what else would you call a stranger? As our relationship developed into one that is much more parent-and-child-like, the question became how to we introduce ourselves. Random people in the store, at the vet, on the street, at the Y, at their schools, in restaurants, etc, would routinely say to them something about “your mom”, meaning me, or something to me about “your daughters”, meaning them. If it was just a passing comment, I would generally smile and go on. If it was a longer conversation, I would clarify that they were “my boyfriend’s kids.” I was usually worried that if I didn’t, the girls would be confused or afraid that I was trying to replace their BM, or that they would relay the incident to their BM and she would feel threatened that I was trying to take her place. In retrospect, I realize maybe I was worried about the wrong things.
One of the first times that I went to my 7 y.o. SDs school for a family social event, one of the little boys in her class realized that I wasn’t her mom but insisted on asking, “Well, what is she??” I was standing right there with her, and her dad was across the room talking to another parent. My SD and I were both silent while the little boy repeatedly asked the question, insisting on an answer. In my mind I was remembering a conversation I’d had with her dad about how we should allow the girls to figure out what they wanted to call me, so they could feel my relationship with them wasn’t imposed but something they participated in. So during that silence I was thinking, “I should let her decide what to call me.” But really, I think I was terrified. I wanted to be able to say, “I’m her stepmom,” because I was certainly starting to feel like it at the time. But what if this little six-year-old-boy called me out and accused me of claiming the title that wasn’t technically mine when my SD’s father and I weren’t actually yet married? And if he did how would my SD feel, in front of her classmates?!?
Later I thought about the incident and realized that perhaps my SD was standing there feeling totally confused and thinking, “Hey, I don’t know what the heck to call you and I’m only six years old so will you help me out here?!” It’s something I plan to talk to her about in the near future, so we can both feel good about whatever name or labels we decide on. I find that when I use the term “stepkids” there are just about as many different reactions as there are people on the planet. And I assume that the reactions have more to do with the other persons’ experiences that with mine, so I typically don’t let it bother me. But I do wish there was some way to more clearly explain who the kids are to me. I take inspiration from one of my gay friends who, rather that grapple with deciding if he should introduce his significant other as his “husband”, “partner”, “lover”, “boyfriend”, etc, simply introduces him as “my other half.” Perhaps I will introduce my SDs as simply “the most important kids in my world.”
The most important kids in my world– I like that. Very sweet.
Of course, now I want to know– what did your stepdaughter call you in the situation you described? Or did you jump in to help her out?
Just the other day, my stepson accidentally called me mom (which he never does) and i just rolled with it. I thought it would be more awkward to correct him. It didn’t bother me, but since they are so close with their “real” mom– I definitely feel like the stepmom label works. Or just Izzy.
No, that’s what was so awful about it - both of us just stood there mute, like deer in headlights, neither said anything or jumped in to help the other out. I thought I was doing the “right” thing by not naming myself for her, it wasn’t until later that I thought she was probably just as confused and as the adult I should have provided some guidance. I think I finally smiled at the boy’s father and said something like, “I’m her Kate,” and we all moved on.
I’m sure it felt normal for your stepson to call you mom, since you are in a maternal role for him. I imagine you were probably touched? He probably also feels some of the loaded responses we get when using step- labels, and maybe just wanted to make it easy. I know what you mean about being hesitant to claim the “mom” label when the kids indeed have a strong relationship with their mom. If you think of a mom as someone who shares DNA, it can feel fraudulent to say that’s what you are. But if you think of a mom as someone who loves, takes care of, and helps guide children through life while they live under the same roof (and after) then you fit the bill.
I say that, and I am no longer paralyzed by the labels question as I was initially by the little boy, but I still feel like I don’t really know the answer and I’m winging it each time, and my SDs have called me different things at different times. Once in a coffee shop the younger came running up to me saying, “Hey, that woman over there told me to go to you and talk to my mom, but you’re not my mom, are you???,” like she wasn’t sure if I was or not and wanted me to let her know. Another time when I was with them a friend of a friend was asking about where we/they lived and the little one piped up and explained, “See she’s not actually our mom - She’s our stepmom!” I was not yet engaged to their dad, it was the first time anyone in the family had ever used the word “stepmom” and she seemed very excited and happy that she had figured it all out. I read those articles that say it takes an average of four years for stepfamilies to really “settle” into their new relationships - I wonder if that’s about when we’ll finally figure out how to label each other….
[...] Kate: No, that’s what was so awful about it - both of us just stood there mute, like… [...]
[...] of the discussions that we have had here are included in The Package Deal, including the L-Word, What’s in a name, The Stepkid Shuffle and Marrying the [...]