Introducing Ms. June!

Lynn lives in Loomis, CA. Lynn is another “veteran” Stepmom, someone who is no longer in the trenches, no longer raising the now-grown-up kids. I asked her to offer some advice to those of us who are still doing service.

Q1:
What were the circumstances that made you an overnight mom? Tell us a bit about your step-kids and their relationship to you.

I would like to begin by saying that I have the most wonderful stepchildren in the world! I couldn’t love them more. They have made our lives so full. They don’t make Hallmark cards that say what I would like to say about them. My husband and I don’t have any biological children but he had two boys and a girl and I had two boys. When we started dating, they were 11, 12, two 13 year-olds, and one 16 year-old.

That said, had I known how hard it was to be a girlfriend, I may not have been a step-mom! However, after meeting the challenges as a girlfriend which, by the way, were way harder for me than being a step-mom, we “hooked up” and moved in together. But let me go back to the beginning . . .

Q2:
What was the biggest challenge for you as a Stepmom? What do you think the number one issue is for S-moms?

I can’t leave out the part about being a girlfriend because that was, to me, the hardest part of setting the stage to becoming a step-mom. The biggest challenge when we moved in together, was having 5 kids! I only wanted two and all of a sudden I had five! My boys were raised differently than his and most of the time I didn’t like them very much. They were loud, confrontational, messy, bad table manners, and they didn’t like me much either. They played their dad against me in many ways. I could see it . . . he didn’t. I still feel the hardest part of being a step-mother is being a good, loving and constant mother to your own children. They didn’t like the situation very much either and couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to give them quality time and lots of love, but it was hard for them to be thrown into that situation. What saved us? Every two weeks they got a two-week break from each other. We had my kids alone one week, all five the next week, his 3 on the third week, and a week to ourselves the last week in the month. Although this was never written in stone, it was a great schedule to work with month to month.

Q3:
What’s been good about being a Stepmom? Has it changed you and if so, in what way?

I can compare being a step-mom of young children to giving birth!! Once you get through the pain, you don’t even remember it. I love it now. It’s hard to remember how painful it really was. One important piece of advice, which I learned early on when we started dating, don’t be jealous of the kids or the ex-wife. One of the things that attracted me to my husband in the first place was his attention and love for his kids. The kids will always try to use daddy. But, does it really matter? It didn’t to me. My mom gave me great advice when I was at the end of my rope one time. She reminded me that the kids are going to grow up and have relationships of their own and move out. She said, if you love him, stick with it. I did and you know what? I now have 3 married step-kids with wonderful spouses and grandchildren that I adore. This is what life is about. Sometimes the ex-wife issue can be hard but she is the mother of his kids. There were so many issues, as you all know, but this worked for me.

Q4:
What’s your favorite bit of advice for other Stepmoms?

1) Don’t “get on” his kids all the time for things that aren’t life-changing. Their bedrooms are messy and smelly? Shut the door. They have to sleep there, not you. I found it easier to mention things to their father and let him handle it. But, not so many that it causes friction between the two of you. It’s a fine line, but it can work.

2) Don’t be jealous of anything. Let it go! You will be better for it and you will feel better about it. They came first. You are second. I’m sure that is what made our lives easier in the long run. His kids may not have liked me, but they had to respect me and their father made sure they understood what that meant in our day-to-day lives.

3) Try to find something “special” about each child and use it to show a special interest in that child. Even for a moment, they may like you!

4) Most importantly, don’t “mother” the children. They have a mother. Remember that most of all. Even the nicest, kindest, cutest kids may still want their mom and dad together again instead of you.

Q5:

How did you take care of yourself in these “trying times.”

I took care of myself by devoting my time to my two boys and their activities, my husband, the rest of my family, and my job. Although I never felt I could do enough for my boys under the circumstances, I did my best. Like my oldest son just told me recently (he’s now 35), “If we could have only fast-forwarded our lives to see how happy you are and how much fun our family has . . . that would have been so much easier.” How great that made me feel. I felt it went full circle. It’s great when they grow up! And they all do.

Q6:
How did you manage your relationship with your husband while raising his kids?

I never felt like I was “raising” my husband’s kids. I felt our relationship was great, but it was never easy. The kid’s teen years were very hard because there were parties at the house, vacations, car issues, etc. I know things are different if you are raising small children or children with personality problems, ADD, etc., however, my husband basically let me raise mine and he raised his and we came together on the “rules of the house.”

Q7:
Any books or resources that helped for you to recommend?

When I divorced in 1985 and set up my new apartment a few blocks away from my ex’s house . . . I read a book called, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House”. It was very helpful with my two boys. Other than that, one week with a therapist (four years later) helped me with his kids.

This advice worked for me because now I couldn’t have a better life if it had been scripted. All five of our kids are married and we have eight grandchildren and one on the way. I took my own advice and because I have a wonderful man and wanted to hang on to him, we’ll celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary this year! You have to work to succeed at anything.

This is a great website. Something I wish I had resource to when I was going through that time of my life. Thanks Lynn.

Did any of Lynn’s comments strike a chord? Open a dialogue in the Whole Milk forum.

If you know of a stepmom I should profile please write izzyrose@stepmothersmilk.com

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