Just in time for Father’s Day, a sweet collection of essays arrived at my door, so I thought I’d take a break from promoting myself and pimp someone else for a change.
The 40-Year Old Version, Humoirs of a Divorced Dad, by Joel Schwartzberg is a heartfelt collection of musings and memories about how one man has “reinvented fatherhood from scratch.”
As a woman who’s married to a divorced man with kids, and a child of divorce myself, Joel’s vulnerable wisdom hit a raw nerve.
In the essay, The Pick-Up Artist, he writes about an exchange with his young kids that conjured up tender feelings about my own childhood. It also reflected my husband’s on and off again guilt about his decision to divorce and remarry, and it reminded me of how I, the new stepmom, try to reassure my stepkids that everything will be all right.
He writes:
“Remember, you have two homes: one with Mommy, and one with me…” I remind the kids that, while other things in live may change, even crumble, a parent’s love never does. The words sound pathetically trite in my head, but it’s the most important thing to convey– not what changes, but what doesn’t: Two parents. Eternal love. Lots of pillows. Endless Cheerios.
Joel writes about how, as a young father he was scared, felt inadequate, resentful and mourned the loss of his “old life.” He shares the apprehension and anxiety he had creating a “new” family after his first fell apart. I think as a culture we’re accustomed to– and maybe even expect– only women to make such scaredy-cat confessions. I hear things like this all the time from bio and stepmothers (including myself), but do we fully acknowledge or appreciate similar fears from fathers, or fully grasp the logistical challenges and emotional baggage a divorced man with kids is forced to drag into any new relationship?
I applaud Joel’s courage to put his insecurities on the table, not only because it’s admirable, but because his candor is so damn funny. So much so that I proposed a man date between Joel and my husband. (I’m always trying to hook Hank up with interesting men.) Joel said if he didn’t live in New Jersey ( a three hour plane ride to Texas), he might consider it. What a guy!
As a consolation Father’s Day prize, I plan to give The 40-Year-Old Version to Husband Hank on Sunday. Two hours with Joel and a few cold beers in the backyard hammock will have to suffice.
ABOUT JOEL
Joel is an award-winning essayist and screenwriter, national champion public speaker and speechcoach, law school drop-out, horror fan,
divorced father, and former Wheel of Fortune contestant. He was a Head Writer for Nickelodeon in 1998 and later an editorial director for Time Inc. Interactive. Currently, he is the Director of New Media for a PBS broadcast news magazine.
Joel’s essays on parenting and other spontaneous phenomena have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, The New York Daily News, The New York Post, The Star Ledger, New Jersey Monthly, Babble.com, Chicken Soup for the Soul, The Huffington Post, and
regional parenting magazines throughout the U.S. and Canada.
The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad (June 2009 Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing)
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